Oh Baby, Apprehension of Motherhood

In addition to Simply Mommy this week, I want to just share some thoughts I’m having lately. Excess thoughts on motherhood warrant discussion.

You see, I’ve never hidden the fact that I didn’t really think that children were ever going to be in the cards for me. At 21, I convinced my doctor to allow me to get an IUD. When those glorious five years were up, I didn’t hesitate for the arm implant for 3 more years of freedom.

Honestly, I would’ve been just fine if it was David and I for the rest of our lives. My ovulation cycle got a little sloppy and the rest is history as they say. So here we are and I’ve been extremely transparent regarding all the feelings I’ve been having over the course of the last few months. From disappointment, fear, excitement, and anxiety – I’m slowly coming to grips with our new normal.

Motherhood is Different for Everyone

It’s funny how much people dote over you when you tell them you’re pregnant. They want to know how you’re feeling. Share in your excitement. Be genuinely happy that you are bringing a child into the world. Coming to grips with the fact that I was pregnant wasn’t a joyous occasion for me. I was scared and confused. In my eyes, my body had betrayed me after 3 consecutive months of birth control. While everyone wanted to share in this excitement; I secretly bottled up contempt that my plans weren’t going my way. This was my first experience in learning that motherhood isn’t all rainbows and unicorns. The thrill and happiness that everyone naturally expects an expecting mother to have, isn’t always there.

Your Feelings are Ok

Without the thrill and excitement, there was a time when I thought I was broken. The questions that went through my mind were constant. I wanted to know why I wasn’t ecstatic about this unexpected blessing we were bestowed. After listening to stories of miscarriages and infertility, I was guilty of the situation I was in. Like miscarriages, the apprehension and unsure feelings of embarking on motherhood are taboo to speak about. It took some time for me to process that my feelings were ok. In fact, they were normal and I didn’t need to hide them.

Make this YOUR Journey

Over these last few months, I’ve slowly been open about my feelings as I inch closer to my new role as mommy. Each day I journal about my feelings, both the good and bad, to ground myself. The beauty of becoming a mother is that there isn’t a right or wrong way to go about it. Anyone can read the variety of books that focus on motherhood, they are just suggestions. This is my time to learn things on my own, come to realizations about the journey that we are about to embark on.

I can happily say that my feelings of apprehension have dwindled quite a bit with each sonogram and milestone. David has been a rock with each weary unsure feeling I’ve faced. This journey hasn’t been easy, but it is ours to make the best of.

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  • Reply Keva McNeal- David

    You guys will be fine.

    January 10, 2017 at 7:41 am
    • Reply Sevi Ware

      Thank you! We know that, but it’s still a lot to process when you never intended on having a child at the moment.

      January 10, 2017 at 8:17 am
  • Reply Nan Walvoord

    Love you so unconditionally. Call or come by if you need me. You and David are going to be great parents. God has a plan and you are walking in it.

    January 10, 2017 at 9:22 am
    • Reply Sevi Ware

      Thank you Mrs. Nan! I find that writing my feelings out has helped tremendously. It keeps me grounded in knowing that it’s not all going to be perfect and that’s ok. God clearly had different plans and I’m just letting him lead the way.

      January 10, 2017 at 9:34 am
  • Reply Kyrra

    You are absolutely right, pregnancy is entirely different for everyone, and every single feeling or emotion you have is 100% okay. One thing that no one really talks about when it comes to pregnancy, or if they do talk about it they turn it into a joke, is the intense hormones coursing through your body. Those bad boys are insane. I burst into tears when I found out I was pregnant. Happy tears mostly, but also tears of absolute terror. One of the first thoughts that I had was “that escalated quickly”. I knew I wanted to have a baby, but almost everyone I knew had taken a few months or more to get pregnant, so when the plus sign appeared after only one cycle off the pill I was astonished.
    I’ve struggled with a multitude of emotions since that evening. Good. Bad. Confusing. And everything in between.
    You’re not alone.
    You and David will be incredible parents and your little girl is incredibly lucky to have you two. Xoxo

    January 10, 2017 at 10:30 am
    • Reply Sevi Ware

      Thank you for being so honest and transparent. I’ve come to terms that my feelings are exactly that – mine. Nobody should expect instant excitement or joy when I have an array of emotions that have been plaguing me since day 1. I appreciate all of your support and love throughout this entire process. I LOVE YOU!

      January 10, 2017 at 10:50 am
  • Reply Kendra Logan

    Beautifully written Sevi. I can totally relate to some of your feelings. Although, I always wanted children 2 of my 4 came at absolute horrible times. With Asher, I didn’t even want to hold him when he was born. It took 10-15 minutes until I could gather myself to hold him. And I didn’t have this instant connection with him like I did with Hunter. I absolutely adore that little turd now, but everyone is different you are absolutely right. Thank you for sharing your true feelings with us.

    January 10, 2017 at 5:47 pm
  • Reply Ashley

    I had “different” feelings with my first born! I was “too young” & unsure & it got worse when I found out I was having a girl! Almost as if I was jealous I would be sharing my life & man with another female! I also HATED being pregnant with both kids! Even with those “awful feelings” I have 2 kids I love & have shut the baby factory down! Kudos to you for sharing YOUR experience they way YOU feel it!

    January 11, 2017 at 8:55 am
  • Reply Heather N Webb

    This is completely your journey, all your feelings are completely valid and ok! I mentioned in another comment that I cried when I found out I was pregnant. When I found out I was having twins? I lost my shit. I was terrified, I knew their dad was deploying a month after they were born, I was so scared and everyone else was so excited, talking about how cute it would be. I was so frustrated when I was pregnant, and when the girls were smaller, how nobody talked about these other feelings that I was having, that were totally ok! I love my kids like an insane amount but that doesn’t make parenting any less scary or full of conflicting emotions. You are going to rock this parenting thing, but it’s fine to have emotions over this HUGE change in life plans! Sending all kinds of love your way!

    January 11, 2017 at 9:48 am
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